Marriage Knots- Finding the JOY

Think back to the beginning of you marriage or relationship.  What was different? What was the same? What do you miss? And What are you glad that you left in the past?  Chances are, you don’t miss some of the uncertainty that comes with a budding romance, but at the same time- you miss some of the intrigue and fun!  I am speaking of this “Fun” like it is gone, but it is most certainly alive and waiting to be discovered in your relationship, today! 

How do we get back to the FUN? 

First recognize the limits of the fun you can have in your committed relationship. If the “fun” you had, involved dating 20 different people at the same time, let’s get real- you are going to have to find joy in other parts of your relationship. 

Joy?  Yes, Joy! Joy is the mature, expression of happiness and contentment in your relationship.  To me, FUN may look like a family trip to Disney World, whereas JOY can be found in tasks as mundane as putting the dishes away.  The Joy of your relationship is there, it may take a shift in your perspective to find it. 

Finding your Joy-filled, Playful Relationship

1.)    Laugh at yourself! Don’t be afraid to acknowledge your quirks- you are human and lucky for you, your partner is likely human too.  Opening yourself up to criticism can be difficult, but know that the reward is greater intimacy with your partner- who knows, your partner may fall even deeper in love with you after you own up to some of your idiosyncrasies.

2.)    Name your Fights & Challenge Spots.  This one requires you to embrace your creative side and work with your partner to see beyond your argument.  In my relationship, we have affectionately come to know “The Phoenix.”  This nerdy X-Men image (see photo), represents anger and a feeling of lack of self-control.  Being able to succinctly state, “I am really Pheonix-ing now” or “I feel like I’m talking to the Phoenix” allows my husband and I to step back and do some self-monitoring.   Having “code words” for patterns of arguments and types of feelings helps you and your partner understand each other’s experience without blaming or becoming too upset.  PLUS- you have maintained connection (and inside joke) through an argument!

3.)    Wish Aloud.  Finding joy in your marriage or relationship can also come in the form of dreams and wishes.  Not only are dreams and wishes GREAT ways to find connection and diffuse conflict, they bring some of that “new relationship sparkle” back to your marriage. 

4.)    Break the Rules…often!  Whether your household admits it, or not there are rules!  No ice cream for dinner, pallets in front of the TV are messy, movie nights are for the weekend, only one person fits in the shower, and on, and on!  Break the rules and embrace the change joyfully. 

5.)    See the surprises.  It is so tempting to stop noticing the little things in your relationship that change every day.  Make a point to get excited about a new type of frozen pizza, or your partner being home 10 minutes early. 

The little joys in your day- save them for your partner- NOT your news feed. 

Here is a little game to get you started! Set the rules for the game with your partner using the questions below.  Quiz yourselves on each other and reward yourself for right answers.  This is not a tool for fight-starting- ACCEPT when your partner doesn’t know the answer the same way you’ll want to be accepted when you flub- you will, too! 

1. Name my two closes friends. (2)
2. What is my favorite musical group, composer, or instrument? (2)
3. What was I wearing when we first met? (2)
4. Name one of my hobbies. (3)
5. Where was I born? (1)
6. What stresses am I facing right now? (4)
7. Describe in detail what I did today, or yesterday. (4)
8. When is my birthday? (1)
9. What is the date of our anniversary (or engagement)? (1)
10. Who is my favorite relative? (2)
11. What is my fondest unrealized dream? (5)
12. What is my favorite flower? (2)
13. What is one of my greatest fears or disaster scenarios? (3)
14. What is my favorite time of day? (3)
15. What makes me feel most complete? (4)
16. What turns me on?  (3)
17. What is my favorite meal? (2)
18. What is my favorite was to spend the evening? (2)
19. What is my favorite color? (1)
20. What personal improvements do I want to make in my life? (4)
21. What kind of present would I like best? (2)
22. What was one of my best childhood experiences? (2)
23. What was my favorite vacation? (2)22
24. What is one of my favorite ways to be soothed? (4)
25. Who is my greatest source of support (other than you)? (3)
26. What is my favorite sport? (2)
27. What do I most like to do with time off? (2)
28. What is one of my favorite weekend activities? (2)
29. What is my favorite getaway place? (3)
30. What is my favorite movie? (2)
31. What are some of the important events coming up in my life?  How do I feel about them? (4)
32. What are some of my favorite ways to work out? (2)
33. Who was my best friend in childhood? (3)
34. What is one of my favorite magazines? (2)
35. Name one of my major rivals or “enemies”. (3)
36. What would I consider my dream job? (4)
37. What do I fear the most? (4)
38. Who is my least favorite relative? (3)
39. What is my favorite holiday? (2)
40. What kinds of books do I most like to read? (3)
41. What is my favorite TV show? (2)
42. Am I right handed or left-handed? (2)
43. What am I most sad about? (4)
44. Name one of my concerns or worries. (4)
45. What medical problems do I worry about? (2)
46. What was my most embarrassing moment? (3)
47. What was my worst childhood experience? (3)
48. Name two of the people I admire most (4)
49. Name my major rival or enemy. (3)
50. Of all the people we both know, who do I like the least? (3)
51. What is one of my favorite deserts? (2)
52. What is my social security number? (2)
53. Name one of my favorite novels? (2)
54. What is my favorite restaurant? (2)
55. What are two of my aspirations, hopes, wishes? (4)
56. Do I have a secret ambition?  What is it? (4)
57. What foods do I hate? (2)
58. What is my favorite animal? (2)
59. What is my favorite song? (2)
60. Which sports team is my favorite? (2)

The Competition Knot

Whether on the political stage, the basketball court or even in the morning show ratings grab, we are constantly bombarded with bold shows of competition!  We encounter competitive people at every turn, we hear competitive messages that are crafted to change the way we think ("Dish Network just can't match up to DirecTV!")  Many of us are caught in the cross-hairs of this competitiveness as we are sold products we don't need by company's who just don't want us to buy from anyone else.  This competition often drives people toward success, but at other times, the pressure can lead to self-doubt and jealousy.  So how do we preserve our competitive relationships while avoiding getting sucked into jealousy?

Start with yourself!

1.) "I POWER" Find your internal locus of control.  Studies have shown that developing a mindset that allows you to recognize your own power and strength in creating your experiences, can fortify you against challenge.

• INTERNAL CONTROL sounds like this, "I didn't get that promotion, because I didn't meet my sales goal for the last quarter."
• EXTERNAL CONTROL sounds like this, "I didn't get that promotion because I am unlucky."  

Do you hear how in one statement, "I" have power to create change for myself, and in the other I am doomed to a life as an "unlucky" person?  The Internal control statement expresses "I have the Power," while the External control statement declares that "IT has the Power."

With your internal locus of control ("I Power") you are beginning a competition within yourself.  It can feel like a tremendous responsibility, and you can even let yourself down.  In disappointing moments, you need to build compassion for yourself!

2.) SELF-COMPASSION  Developing compassion for yourself, as opposed to understanding your self-esteem, is not a complex process of tallying successes, failures and calculating your worth in relation others.  Self-Compassion is the broader idea that you can find great value in yourself regardless of success.  This principle recognizes the truth that we are all human, and thus all prone to "let-downs."  Compassionate selves find themselves "loving anyway" and accepting both strengths and weaknesses.  

By developing an accepting stance toward yourself, you may find that it is easier to have compassion for the humanity of others.  

Now, to the social experiences of Competition and Jealousy.  When you are faced with a person who is trying to engage you in a competition, OR maybe even trying deliberately to make you jealous (gasp! I know), run quickly through your "I POWER" and "LOVE ANYWAY" steps by reminding yourself:

1.) I have the strength and power to control my experiences.

2.) In the situations where I disappoint myself, I am prepared to love myself anyway because I am human.  

Let's take Susie and Sally for example:

Susie: "Mark and I got a letter yesterday from Scott's teacher letting us know that his scores on the mid-semester tests have qualified him to completely skip the second half of the school year!  He will be moving into a gifted and talented class with 15 of the smartest kids in the grade.  They are going to focus on creative problem solving of world crises for the rest of the year.  Did your son, Alex get that letter?

Sally:  "I POWER"- Instead of saying, "Everyone is out to get Alex!" Sally finds her I Power and recognizes Susie and Scott's I Power, too. 

"WOW! That's great news, I know Scott has worked really hard in school- I'm glad to see him being recognized."

Susie: So did Alex get a letter from the Gifted program?

Sally:  "LOVE ANYWAY" Instead of saying, "NO! I can't believe this! Alex must be slacking off in class!" Sally attends to her own strengths and weaknesses as a mom and accepts herself.  She does the same for Alex. To avoid slipping into a "one upping" contest, Sally returns the attention back to Scott's accomplishment and praises Susie for her strength.

"You know, we didn't get a letter.  What an honor for Scott, though!  You must be very proud."

Finding your own footing in a competitive conversation can be challenging at first, however, the more often you validate yourself and recognize your power- the easier it will be to avoid slipping into competition!  After you have mentally reinforced yourself and you are confident, you have the opportunity to do the same for the other person.

3.) NAME IT!  We have all seen that look of elation when a mother shares about her child's accomplishments, or the triumphant grin after a co-worker finds success.  Why are we so hesitant to call it what it is?  Some research has found that we are often scared that there is a short supply of a given experience, so that if someone gets some of "it," there will be less of "it" for me.  For example, under the "short supply" model,  if my coworker  receives praise for his/her work on a project, there will be less praise left for me when I finish my project.  This is not often the case, but we find ourselves continually denying one another our experiences so that others don't take it from us.  

By naming our competitors experience, we validate them in the way that we would want to be validated!  PLUS, when we notice and name the good in others' lives, we (nearly) eliminate the need for them to brag incessantly.  NEARLY!  

Here are some ways to "Name It:"

• Ask directly about feelings- "How are you feeling about that?"
• Hypothesize about feelings- "You must be very excited!"
• Disclose your own feelings- "I would be so proud- Right now, I'm kind of jealous!"
• Notice the non-verbal- "you look lighthearted today, what's new?"

So to review:

Start with yourself by finding your I POWER showing yourself compassion by LOVING ANYWAY!

Then, validate and accept that others' success and happiness does not detract from your own and NAME IT. 

Untangling the "Competition Knot" involves much more self-reflection than skill building.  Dig deep and find the confidence and compassion for yourself that will allow you to empower others!