The Competition Knot

Whether on the political stage, the basketball court or even in the morning show ratings grab, we are constantly bombarded with bold shows of competition!  We encounter competitive people at every turn, we hear competitive messages that are crafted to change the way we think ("Dish Network just can't match up to DirecTV!")  Many of us are caught in the cross-hairs of this competitiveness as we are sold products we don't need by company's who just don't want us to buy from anyone else.  This competition often drives people toward success, but at other times, the pressure can lead to self-doubt and jealousy.  So how do we preserve our competitive relationships while avoiding getting sucked into jealousy?

Start with yourself!

1.) "I POWER" Find your internal locus of control.  Studies have shown that developing a mindset that allows you to recognize your own power and strength in creating your experiences, can fortify you against challenge.

• INTERNAL CONTROL sounds like this, "I didn't get that promotion, because I didn't meet my sales goal for the last quarter."
• EXTERNAL CONTROL sounds like this, "I didn't get that promotion because I am unlucky."  

Do you hear how in one statement, "I" have power to create change for myself, and in the other I am doomed to a life as an "unlucky" person?  The Internal control statement expresses "I have the Power," while the External control statement declares that "IT has the Power."

With your internal locus of control ("I Power") you are beginning a competition within yourself.  It can feel like a tremendous responsibility, and you can even let yourself down.  In disappointing moments, you need to build compassion for yourself!

2.) SELF-COMPASSION  Developing compassion for yourself, as opposed to understanding your self-esteem, is not a complex process of tallying successes, failures and calculating your worth in relation others.  Self-Compassion is the broader idea that you can find great value in yourself regardless of success.  This principle recognizes the truth that we are all human, and thus all prone to "let-downs."  Compassionate selves find themselves "loving anyway" and accepting both strengths and weaknesses.  

By developing an accepting stance toward yourself, you may find that it is easier to have compassion for the humanity of others.  

Now, to the social experiences of Competition and Jealousy.  When you are faced with a person who is trying to engage you in a competition, OR maybe even trying deliberately to make you jealous (gasp! I know), run quickly through your "I POWER" and "LOVE ANYWAY" steps by reminding yourself:

1.) I have the strength and power to control my experiences.

2.) In the situations where I disappoint myself, I am prepared to love myself anyway because I am human.  

Let's take Susie and Sally for example:

Susie: "Mark and I got a letter yesterday from Scott's teacher letting us know that his scores on the mid-semester tests have qualified him to completely skip the second half of the school year!  He will be moving into a gifted and talented class with 15 of the smartest kids in the grade.  They are going to focus on creative problem solving of world crises for the rest of the year.  Did your son, Alex get that letter?

Sally:  "I POWER"- Instead of saying, "Everyone is out to get Alex!" Sally finds her I Power and recognizes Susie and Scott's I Power, too. 

"WOW! That's great news, I know Scott has worked really hard in school- I'm glad to see him being recognized."

Susie: So did Alex get a letter from the Gifted program?

Sally:  "LOVE ANYWAY" Instead of saying, "NO! I can't believe this! Alex must be slacking off in class!" Sally attends to her own strengths and weaknesses as a mom and accepts herself.  She does the same for Alex. To avoid slipping into a "one upping" contest, Sally returns the attention back to Scott's accomplishment and praises Susie for her strength.

"You know, we didn't get a letter.  What an honor for Scott, though!  You must be very proud."

Finding your own footing in a competitive conversation can be challenging at first, however, the more often you validate yourself and recognize your power- the easier it will be to avoid slipping into competition!  After you have mentally reinforced yourself and you are confident, you have the opportunity to do the same for the other person.

3.) NAME IT!  We have all seen that look of elation when a mother shares about her child's accomplishments, or the triumphant grin after a co-worker finds success.  Why are we so hesitant to call it what it is?  Some research has found that we are often scared that there is a short supply of a given experience, so that if someone gets some of "it," there will be less of "it" for me.  For example, under the "short supply" model,  if my coworker  receives praise for his/her work on a project, there will be less praise left for me when I finish my project.  This is not often the case, but we find ourselves continually denying one another our experiences so that others don't take it from us.  

By naming our competitors experience, we validate them in the way that we would want to be validated!  PLUS, when we notice and name the good in others' lives, we (nearly) eliminate the need for them to brag incessantly.  NEARLY!  

Here are some ways to "Name It:"

• Ask directly about feelings- "How are you feeling about that?"
• Hypothesize about feelings- "You must be very excited!"
• Disclose your own feelings- "I would be so proud- Right now, I'm kind of jealous!"
• Notice the non-verbal- "you look lighthearted today, what's new?"

So to review:

Start with yourself by finding your I POWER showing yourself compassion by LOVING ANYWAY!

Then, validate and accept that others' success and happiness does not detract from your own and NAME IT. 

Untangling the "Competition Knot" involves much more self-reflection than skill building.  Dig deep and find the confidence and compassion for yourself that will allow you to empower others!